Hallelujah
by IrishButSober
Summary: There is a moment, when Kurt finally realises, that he has to give up on Blaine.
1. Chapter 1

_This is a slightly more traumatic piece, however I've done it in **two** parts and the **second** part is vastly different from this one, so stay tuned to see how it all ends._

_But please, reviews really mean a lot to me, so hope you can let me know what you think!_

* * *

He's really not sure at what point he finally gave up. If he's being honest with himself, it was the moment he'd told Blaine how he had felt. The look in Blaine's eyes, complete and utter shock, a look that in some ways was far more painful than a look of rejection. A look like that told Kurt that, not even for a second, had Blaine considered being with Kurt. It was a look that still haunted Kurt to this day because every wish, hope and prayer for what they could potentially have was crushed in that single look. Still, he deluded himself into thinking that perhaps, maybe, things would change; that maybe, some day, Blaine would change his mind and things would be perfect. Kurt would get his wish.

Then, Rachel had kissed Blaine.

Kurt sometimes wondered if there really was a God and if he was being punished for not believing. How could this be such a cruel accident? The boy he adored, the boy he was sure would be his answer to all his loneliness and desperation in this town, would kiss [i]her.[/i] Despite their growing budding friendship, despite their evident respect for each other, Kurt would always hold a slight grudge against Rachel, because despite how similar they were, Rachel was the one thing Kurt could never be: a girl. It gave her options Kurt would never have; it gave her Finn, it gave her Noah, it had given her Jesse St. James and now, it seemed, if only for just a moment, it gave her Blaine Anderson.

It turned out it was for longer than just a moment.

Blaine was now considering going out with Rachel, no, he was questioning his sexuality: the one connection Kurt could have to Blaine that nobody else he knew could. Kurt found himself lashing out before he even realised it, his confusion, his anger, his pain all surfacing at once and it was only until he realised he'd actually hurt Blaine that his blood ran cold and his whole body froze up as he watched Blaine leave with a bitterness in his tone as he did so. Kurt just stared at the spot Blaine had been sitting, feeling a sick, twisted feeling building up in his stomach; he was slipping away, he was lashing out and he knew it wouldn't be long before Blaine was gone completely because Kurt had pushed him away. Closing his eyes, he let out a shaky breath and forced himself to hold back the threat of tears, because he knew he couldn't avoid it anymore, he knew what he had to do.

He had to give up on Blaine.

So there he stood, silent and alone in the Warbler's rehearsal room. The fire had long since died out, making the usually welcoming room feel rather cold and alien to the young boy. For a moment Kurt looked back on the room with the faintest of smiles, remembering all the times he'd spent here with Blaine, sometimes with the Warblers, sometimes alone, but he remembered he'd always been laughing, smiling. He'd always been happy. Completely naïve, perhaps, as he also remembered the doting looks he'd always throw Blaine, the almost ignorant gleam of hope in the countertenor's eyes.

But that was all gone. That gleam, that sound of laughter already a distant memory as Kurt stood there, hollow, broken, but for the first time, accepting. This was how it had to be, because living in this fairytale he'd created for himself would only prolong the pain and heartache he was going to have to face sooner or later. So, finally moving across the room, he silently made his way to one of the small, wooden side tables, his fingers lingering on the stereo and finally, after a moment's hesitation, pressed play softly. Soon, the music began to fill the room; it's soft, acoustic sound ironically soothing, as if encouraging Kurt to do this, to go through with this final farewell to his naive, hopeful self.

"_Now I've heard there was a secret chord  
That David played, and it pleased the Lord  
But you don't really care for music, do you?  
It goes like this  
The fourth, the fifth  
The minor fall, the major lift  
The baffled king composing Hallelujah..."  
_

"_Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah..."_

It been so long since Kurt had heard his voice, heard it alone that is. The soft, fragile sound to it sounded so broken, so bitterly perfect for what he was singing, for what he had to do. The room was completely still with nothing but the soft echo of his voice playing along to the music filling the empty, dark space in which the boy now stood.

"_Baby I have been here before  
I know this room, I've walked this floor  
I used to live alone before I knew you.  
I've seen your flag on the marble arch  
Love is not a victory march  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah"_

A sad, fragile smile soon graced his face, letting the soft tears freely fall down his face, so silent as they screamed to the heavens, screaming away every wish the boy had once had the moment he had locked on those hazel eyes. Kurt could feel the threat of a sobbing fit and, likely, a spell of hiccups to stop him in his tracks, to break him down, to make him unable to finish the song. But, breathing through his nose, holding his head high, he would continue, ignoring his soaked cheeks and the quiver in his knees. He was almost done, he had almost finished his goodbye; just a little more...

"_I did my best, it wasn't much  
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch  
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you  
And even though  
It all went wrong  
I'll stand before the Lord of Song  
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah..."_

"_Hallelujah..."_

And then, there was silence. For a whole minute, he did nothing as the music faded away and the room fell into a deep, chilling silence. Any strength or determination had slipped away from the boy's grasp the moment he had finished. Then, a horrified, choked sob escaped his lips, breaking the peace. Falling to his knees hard, his hands covering his mouth, the feel of the tears suddenly felt like they were burning at skin. He felt sick; he felt horrible: he'd finally awoken from his delusions. He'd said goodbye, but the moment he had, he was begging to just spend a little longer in his fantasies where there was perhaps just a chance for happiness: a chance for the perfect ending.

But there was no returning now, so Kurt just curled up against the side of the couch, crying his eyes out and feeling more alone than he had any of those times in the halls of McKinley. But perhaps, if Kurt hadn't been so distraught, so lost in his own suffering, he would have realised he wasn't as alone as he gathered; for on just the other side of the door, another boy stood, his back pressed to the wall, his hands in his usually gelled and tamed curls and a look of utter agony and realisation on his face. The realisation of how clueless he really had been and what it had cost him, what his actions had done to the one he'd sworn to keep safe.

Tonight wasn't a night for dreams to come true, it wasn't even a night that let you dream a little longer, a little bigger. No, tonight was a night of letting go and understanding, a night neither boy would be able to look back on with any sense of understanding for quite sometime. But one day, one day they would be able to face this night, knowing that it served them both well and given them the chance to live out their lives, free of the foolish hopes that would have broken them beyond any repair. One day, they would both understand.

But right now, in the middle of this cold and broken night, two young boys would cry themselves to sleep. with nothing but the faint echo of the song playing through their ears to lull them to sleep.

_It's not a cry that you hear at night_

_It's not somebody who's seen the light_

_It's a cold and it's a broken..._

_Hallelujah _


	2. Chapter 2

_Sorry about before, it seems I uploaded the wrong file for chapter two, hopefully this works better this time around._

* * *

Neither of them talked about that night for the rest of their time at Dalton. Kurt didn't confess to Blaine what he'd done and Blaine never told Kurt that he'd seen him. Perhaps that was one fantasy that they continued to play out, that that night hadn't occurred, that it hadn't been the turning point of just about everything for the two young and inexperienced teens. Somehow, their friendship managed to survive; they continued their coffee trips, trying to mend the gap that formed between them and for the most part, they succeeded. Both went on dates, both managed to talk about it with each other, they even managed a double date at one point, the fact that it had ended in a disaster was more of theirrespective dates fault and their lack of grace, but the point was, they were _trying._

Even when Kurt made his inevitable transfer back to McKinley, with the reality check over Blaine came the second reality check that Dalton was never where he belonged, they kept in touch. Met each other every other weekend, chatted when they could and tried to become what they had been only weeks before Kurt had admitted how he truly felt. It wasn't easy;there were times when Kurt would sit on his bed and hold his hands to his face and just muffle his screams; there were times when Blaine would kick his chair across his floor or throw something across the room, and there were times when both boys wanted to pick up the phone and call the other and indulge in their fantasies and hopeless ideals for another night. But every time, the memory of _that_ night brought them back to reality; cold, harsh, reality and they would both slowly put the phone down and curl up in their beds and remember that, somehow, this was for the best.

Graduation came much faster than anyone was really expecting, somehow, it just came rushing towards them and before they even knew it, college didn't look so far off. It was happening so fast, almost too fast. One day Kurt was simply waking up early on Saturday, as he always did, to make Burt and Carole some morning tea, then, he was checking the mail and opening up a letter from UCLA, only to find out he'd been accepted there. Soon, his other friends were telling them about their own college choices, with Rachel heading straight for Julliard and even Finn had secured a college out of Ohio. Then, came to eventual reality of Blaine leaving for college; Berklee, all the way in Boston.

Both of them made their promises to stay in contact, to talk to each other every day and Blaine made a bad joke about how he wasn't sure he could survive college without Kurt to keep him in his place, Kurt laughed, as he always did. They continued to tell each other 'we still have the summer', 'it's not over yet, relax, we still have time!', until the last day of summer had come and gone and Kurt was hugging Blaine in the middle of the airport, outside his gate to take him to his new life.

This was the part where he was supposed to cry, wasn't it? To run after Blaine, beg for him not to go, that they could just run away together and live happily ever after.

But instead, Kurt just smiled as his friend boarded his flight, waving him off and feeling none of those urges, finished with the fantasies that would have made this moment unbearable. Instead, he reminded himself he'd see the boy again and for now, that was enough. As Kurt turned away from the Gate and headed out of the airport and towards his own future.

It turned out Boston was a lot further away than Kurt anticipated, and with their busy schedules and hectic time trying to get used to college, they very rarely got to talk to each other, aside from emails and the occasional phone call. Suddenly Blaine had gone from one of his closest friends to just _another _friend and there was something horribly unsettling and wrong about the realisation. He wanted to get upset about it, he wanted to talk to Blaine, just to hear his voice and know that he hadn't given up on one of his closest friends, because losing Blaine, completely, was something Kurt just wouldn't be able to handle, he was sure of it.

But as time went by, Kurt sadly found he could handle it. He missed Blaine, more than he perhaps allowed himself to realise, but he had classes, he had new friends and a few boys looking his way. As bitter as it sounded, life went on. For years, life continued to go on, with nothing but the photograph Kurt had of Blaine and himself, standing outside Dalton on his first day smiling nervously, to remind himself of what was slowly slipping out of his fingers, but this time, for good.

2022 had been more than its fair share of crazy for Kurt Hummel. Having just finished filming his second movie on the big screen, Kurt was now having to deal with his agent trying to drag him into another third movie, promising that this one would have him in and out in two weeks. _'__Yeah, that__'__s what she said about the last one, then six months had gone by and they were still in South America filming a movie he could barely even remember the premise for.__'_ Not only that, but Kurt was already late for his audition for a new television show that was premiering come next year. Well, he says audition, but with a name like Kurt Hummel, you didn't really have auditions anymore, you had lunch with producers and writers, if anything, _**he **_was the one interviewing them and the star rather preferred it that way.

Cursing heavily under his breath as he pushed passed the crowd, who of course all seemed to be going the other way, as his phone began to buzz in his pocket. Pushing his coffee into his left hand, Kurt fumbled with his phone, desperately trying to watch where he was going, while balancing the hot drink and finally freeing his phone from its pocket. Pulling it from its prison, he sighed heavily and flipped the phone open and pressed it to his ear; however before he could even find out who had been calling him with possibly the worst timing ever, he felt a strong hand grasping his arm tightly and tugging him back slightly.

Now, being outside of Ohio and away from the boys who had spend their time throwing him into lockers like it was some form of Olympic sport, Kurt had managed to relax somewhat oh random physical contact, but at the same time, he wasn't stupid and he was living in LA, of all places. So when an unknown hand grabbed him, Kurt felt his entire body tense, spinning around to try and see just what idiot had decided to make Kurt's already bad day even worse; only to be met with wide, fascinated hazel eyes staring at him.

Needless to say, Kurt didn't do much for a while, frozen on the spot, mouth gaping open, just taking in the figure he both knew so well, yet was a complete stranger to. The man, with his ungelled, black curls, tidy rather than tamed, his tanned skin with just the smallest hint of stubble across his cheeks. Broad shoulders covered in a winter coat, with a red scarf draped over his shoulders. But out of everything, Kurt found his eyes fixating on this man's eyes. Hazel in colour, that much was obvious, but what they said, was what the star really wanted to focus on. In a memory somewhere, he remembered them being so alive, so forced with energy, filled with an idealistic naivety that should have warned Kurt so long ago that there was nothing certain about this boy. But now, the eyes, while filled with the same bewilderment as the young actor's, where softer, a calmness behind the immediate excitement, and perhaps, dare he say it, wisdom? Clearly, the years had done more to Blaine Anderson than Kurt could have ever imagined.

It was only after taking this all in that Kurt finally took in the voice babbling in his ear. Realising the phone was still pressed to his ear, he finally found his voice again and said the first thing that came to his head.

"...I'll call you back"

Blaine had made in the music field, making a rather bad joke about how people called him the new 'Jason Mraz' and despite himself, Kurt found himself laughing. Of course Kurt had known about Blaine's success, he had two CD's of his, one still in his stereo, to prove it. They'd agreed to catch up for a while, Kurt having made up some awful lie about a family emergency to the producer he was meant to be having lunch with, if he really wanted him, he'd reschedule. So, finding the closest place possible, they had stepped into an old-fashion burger place. Sitting in a worn out booth at the back, some unfamiliar country song playing in the background as Kurt just listened to Blaine's laugh and mesmerized his warm smile, remembering every similarity from the boy he'd once know and taking in every difference from the man who now sat before him.

A burger later and one beer each and Kurt found himself slowly realising that perhaps, it be best if they ended this here and now. Of course, Kurt would get his number and they'd meet up when they could, perhaps go to each other's parties, but still, _nothing had changed_ and Kurt had to remind himself that. So, offering Blaine a warm smile and the overused saying of 'we should do this again', Kurt rose to his feet to get up, but found, for the second time today, Blaine's hand holding him in his place. This is what Kurt had feared, that one of them wouldn't be able to handle seeing each other again, that perhaps the deluded fantasy would begin all over again and after all this time, after how far Kurt had come, he couldn't let that happen.

But then, he met Blaine's gaze, expecting to see anxious, nervous, unsure eyes looking up at him. Instead, he saw a man, sitting there, with a calm gaze, a steady, knowing look in his eyes and not even a flicker of confusion in them. Kurt knew how to handle nervous Blaine, he knew how to say no to the boy who didn't know what he was doing, the boy who would hurt him without even meaning to. But this, this wasn't something Kurt had experience with, a Blaine who understood who he was, without a shadow of a doubt, a Blaine who wasn't going to break at the first bump in the road.

Blaine didn't say anything, he didn't try and force what he was feeling into forwards, he just moved his hand, that had been clinging to Kurt's, and moved it towards his waist and with a slight tug, Kurt was tumbling against Blaine, his hands pressing against his chest for stability. Breath hitched and eyes wide, Kurt couldn't even begin to understand what was happening, how Blaine had become this person, but the older man simply gave him a slow, relaxed smile and pressed the tip of his nose ever so gently against Kurt's own. What he'd feared would be sinking into a fantasy, felt far too solid all of a sudden, the way Blaine looked at him with utter certainty and unshakeable want; so far past the hopeless boy they both knew he had once been. With nothing to stop him, with nothing now but his own fears to hold him back, Kurt told every single one of them to go to hell and happily crashed his lips with a man who knew exactly who he was.

Granted, there was no promise of a happily ever after, there never was in life. But this time, _this time_, they were ready for each other. This time, it wasn't the endless, self-destructive fantasy it had once been. This time, it had a chance to be real.

But for now, in the middle of this soft and uncertain night, Kurt found himself falling asleep, with the pleasant sound escaping Blaine's throat as his lips pressed to his shoulder, murmuring a song both boys had to bear on their souls for so long. But as the last few lyrics vibrated softly against his skin, Kurt Hummel, for the first time in many years, felt a strange sense of freedom.

_Hallelujah..._

_Hallelujah..._

_Hallelujah..._


End file.
